Bright and Shiny

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Last week was a tough week for me emotionally.  There were lots of tears and panic attacks and worrying about everything under the sun.  I can’t say that I don’t know the cause of it all.  I do. The THING isn’t really the problem though.  The problem is fear and the unknown, two beasts that I have yet to tame in my life.

I’ve been learning a lot going to my meetings for the clinical study, which is centered around Mindful Awareness. I’ve been learning to meditate and find peace through meditation. By the end of last week I was able to finally able to come to terms with all of my thoughts and feelings. I went through every scenario of my worst fears and, surprisingly, the worst case scenario is actually pretty palatable.

I know I have a long way to go and that there were be a lot more instances of me having to sort these things out, but it’s nice to have tools to work with now. I have also been able to decide what is really important to me and I can let go of anything that doesn’t fit into that category. This has made it really easy for me to decide what or who I want to deal with on a day to day basis. I think I have spent too much time working on relationships that don’t give back and not enough time on relationships that could blossom if I put more energy into them. This was a huge epiphany for me. I think learning how to let go has been my biggest accomplishment in the past few months.

 

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Speaking In Mad Libs

I have been terribly homesick today.  There is so much that I could share about that, but I’d rather share a funny conversation I had with Emily while we were out running errands yesterday.

Emily: Is a crow the same thing as a raven?  Why do they have different names if they are?

Me:  I’m not sure, kind of like how a dove is like uhhhh…?

Emily:  Pigeon?

Me:  Yes!  Or like a Bison is kind of like  uhhhh…?

Emily:  Buffalo?

Me:  Yes!!  Hey Ems, you’re finishing all my sentences for me, we must be playing Mad Libs too much lately.  Oh, look at those horses over there, they have their winter blankets on.

Emily:  Oh how cute!  I love horses.

Me: Me too.  You know, they say that horses are just like large…

Emily:  Dogs?

Me:  Stop that!!!

 

 

1-8-2013

Is five and a half the age of self-awareness?  Molly is having such a tough time of it.  She’s always been concerned about growing up and not being a baby any more.  I respond that she’ll always be my baby and she seemed fine with that.  I think this has been a huge part of her adjusting, or not adjusting, to Kindergarten.

The kids returned to school last week and Molly got green faces all three days.  Green is a good day.  Yellow is not very good and red is not good at all.  Up until this return to school Molly was coming home with mostly reds and yellows.  So, the returning to school after a long break and coming home with Green was such a great moment for her.  Yesterday, she got another green.  I was thinking to myself that she must be maturing and understanding what is expected of her.   This morning she woke me up, standing next to the bed and sobbing, “I don’t want to grow up, I want to be a baby forever!!!”  Maybe the understanding made her realize that she’s growing up?  Who knows.

Logically, I know that this all passes and in a couple of years I can tell her all about this and we’ll have a giggle about it.  Illogically, this takes me back to the dark place when Emily was having so much difficulty and waking me up in the early mornings having to puke from anxiety.

I hate watching my kids work through this kind of stuff.  I wish I could be more callous about it, but then there’s that whole apple falling from the tree, which is probably the crux of all of it.

1-7-2013

I’m continuing with Yoga every night.  Tonight I added some dancing with Emily.  I think that may have been more of a workout than the Yoga.

I’m officially on weight watchers now.  I’m working on adding more fruits, veggies and protein into my diet…

More resolution food.

I’m starting to feel more energy throughout the day and I’m down 3 pounds.

Today the girls received their school assignments for next year.  Molly and Audrey stay in the school they’ve been going to, Emily didn’t get assigned to the middle school that she wanted so we need to request a transfer.  The one downfall of the area that we moved to is the school system.  We knew this before we moved and luckily our first school year worked out really well.  I hope that we can make the next school year just as successful.

I have a lot of knitting to do, until tomorrow…

1-3-2013

Stayed up later last night that I should have, but I had a good reason.  Fish and I were watching movies.  First we watched a gory sci fi called Dredd.  Great special effects, but yuck.  A little too much blood and guts for me.  We made up for that viewing by watching Pitch Perfect afterwards.  I loved that movie.  It made me want to start an a cappella singing club, too bad I can’t sing.

Woke up this morning feeling as stiff as the Tin Man.  I think I’m starting to suffer from arthritis.  Ugh, it makes me feel so old to type that, but it is what it is.  We hurried to get the kids ready for school.  I overheard Moe telling Audrey that she didn’t like school because everything happens so fast and she doesn’t know what is happening most of the time.  That tugged at my heart a bit but Fish told me later that it’s not going to kill her and she needs to learn how to get through her day without us.  Rationally, I could agree, but emotionally, I just worry.

After dropping the kids off at school, Fish and I went to the store to pick up my old person medicine.  Hopefully this helps with my aches and pains.

Ugh, aches, pains, falling down stairs.  Feeling OLD.

With ENERGY, raaaaawrrrrrr

That fall down the stairs the other day hasn’t helped much either.  Not to mention working out my neglected muscles.  I don’t know how I’m getting around at all these days.

When we got home I put dinner in the crockpot.

Made a few more mason jar covers.

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You can put your tea in it!

Ordered a t-shirt.

Then it was time to pick up the kids.  They all had a great day, including Molly, who announced that she “LOVES SCHOOL!!”  What a little scamp.  To think I worried about her at all today.

I helped Molly with her homework and admired Emily’s homework.

Emily's homework.  I love this little guy that she drew.

Then it was time for dinner.  My favorite cold day, or really any day, soup.  Curried Pork with Split Peas and Kale.  I like to serve it with naan.

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After dinner, I worked out (Yoga, again) for 30 minutes.  Then bathed the kids.  While helping the littles get dressed, Audrey asked me with great concern whether or not she was ugly.  I was so shocked and sad to hear her ask such a thing.  We had a long talk about how beauty comes from the inside and you should never judge a person by whether or not we think they are beautiful.  I think it helped.  She had a rather long list of things that she didn’t like about herself, which kind of broke my heart.

We played Monopoly to make her feel better.  She’s beating the pants off of every one of us.  We stopped the game to get everyone in bed sort of on time.

Now I’m eating kale chips that I made with chili-infused olive oil and I’m about to work on some knitting orders.  I’m also trying to read every night before bed.  Hopefully that happens tonight.

Take the Picture!

I’m guilty of taking lots and lots of pictures.  They aren’t even what most would consider “good” pictures, but I take them.

I can’t help it.  Sometimes I think, “Maybe I should stop taking so many pictures.  Who cares about seeing Sprite and Pix blowing bubbles with the turtle?”

The other day I was catching up with my mom and we started talking about what a great seamstress my aunt was when I was a kid.  She would make really cute clothes for my cousin and I to wear.  My mom started to tell me a story about a superhero cape that my aunt made for my brother when he was around Sprite’s age.  My aunt had gone to the fabric store and picked out a very expensive silk and as the saleslady was cutting it for her she asked my aunt what she was going to make with such a nice fabric.  My aunt answered, “I’m going to make a superhero cape for my nephew”.  The lady snorted and then frowned when she realized my aunt was serious.  My aunt didn’t care.  She’s kind of awesome that way.

My mom went on to tell me that my brother wore that cape all the time.  He wore it until it was tattered and torn.  Then one day he just stopped.  He moved on to a baseball hat and a glove.  I thought this was incredible as I had no memory of this cape and, honestly, couldn’t picture my quiet, mild-mannered brother running around in something so ornate.  I told my mom I had to see a picture of my brother in his cape!  She sighed and said she never took a picture of him wearing it.  How is this possible?  Shrugging of the shoulders.

So I’m going to continue to take pictures with reckless abandon…

…wherever I go, because I’m kind of awesome that way.