I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, living a semi hermit-like existence. My days have consisted of taking the kids to and from school, shopping for groceries and household items, and just kind of hanging around the house. Occasionally, I would take Sprite to the park, or the kids to the school to play on weekends. Fish and I would go out with Sprite for quick errands, but beyond that I have been avoiding any sort of social outing for myself.
I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I feel so overwhelmed with work that I think if I stay home I can get ahead? This is a lie, because there are so many other things that need to be tended to during the day that staying home does not mean that work will be completed. The bulk of my work still occurs in the night time hours. Maybe I just feel unlovable and don’t want to burden anyone with my presence. When I type it just so, it sounds so dramatic and awful, but I mean it in the most basic way. I’m not feeling like I can bring much to the table right now.
Oddly, in contrast, I’m really happy with home life. The kids are getting older and becoming little humans that are easier to relate to. I look forward to dinner time when we all get together and share stories, Sprite entertains us with her antics, we laugh a lot. Fish and I are having more time to just sit and visit while the kids busy themselves.
So here I sat with these two sides of myself, feeling rather uneven, when I had an opportunity to visit with friends in an idyllic setting. The photographers that I make a lot of knit pieces for were hosting workshops at a beach house. They invited me to come hang out during one of their workshops. I was immediately excited to go but then that lumpy part of me, the one that felt safe in my cocoon at home, started to hesitate. Fish could see my ambivalence. I started to use the kids as an excuse to stay home. It’s Spring Break and they are all home from school. Fish wouldn’t have any of it. He told me he could take care of them and I needed to go. I’m so glad that I did. It was a lot of fun. I was able to meet a lot of great women. A few of them had questions about my knitting and how I make my pieces. Then there were babies. Sweet 6 day old babies. Between interesting conversation, babes sleeping the afternoon away, and watching wave after wave crash onto the beach, while sitting on a comfy couch, I began to feel whole again.
So maybe I have a little more to bring to the table than I thought.