I’m a month post op and still healing. I’ve had a struggle with pain the past couple of days. I took my last Vicodin on Friday night and the weekend was rough. I can get through the day with just ibuprofen, but by 6 p.m. I’m tired of battling the pain and too fatigued to cope. It’s been hard. I’ve been trying to get through to my doc’s office for a refill.
Today I was kind of spent and called the office again and spoke with a wonderful nurse who really helped me out a lot. She explained that the pain I’m feeling now is a akin to phantom pain. It feels like a sunburn under my boobs, with an occasional thorn prick. Almost like wearing a very scratchy wool sweater on a very hot day. It’s hard for me to deal with this 24/7. She also said that I’m probably coming down from the vicodin and that is very stressful and emotional. I might be getting more Vicodin and maybe Xanax to get through the whole ordeal. Drugs, drugs, drugs. It sounds so awful as I read this, but it is what it is.
What I really want to mention more than anything is that I feel, FEEL for anyone who has an addiction to these meds. The past 3 days have been very depressing for me and I had my first bout with suicidal thinking last night. It was very strange and, now that I have distance from that moment, quite surreal. I was working late last night and messed up on a project so I decided to go to bed. I started crying next to a sleeping Fish. I started thinking about all that is going on, life in general. The kids starting school, our car breaking down, my work load, money, etc. I became so overwhelmed that my next logical insane thought was, “OH!!! If I’m dead, then I don’t have to worry about any of this AND if I’m dead nobody else will worry, because I’M the only one worrying.” I even thought how good it would be for Fish and the kids to be without me. How relieved they would be to have me gone. SERIOUSLY. I never thought of how to do it or had any intentions of going through the motions.
Since I had a chance to talk to the nurse today I feel so much better. All these thoughts and physical feelings make so much more sense. In fact, as I type, I’m in less discomfort. The mind is an amazing thing and drugs are a big effing deal!