Say Nope to Dope and Ugh to Drugs

I’m a month post op and still healing.  I’ve had a struggle with pain the past couple of days.  I took my last Vicodin on Friday night and the weekend was rough.  I can get through the day with just ibuprofen, but by 6 p.m. I’m tired of battling the pain and too fatigued to cope.  It’s been hard.  I’ve been trying to get through to my doc’s office for a refill.

Today I was kind of spent and called the office again and spoke with a wonderful nurse who really helped me out a lot.  She explained that the pain I’m feeling now is a akin to phantom pain.  It feels like a sunburn under my boobs, with an occasional thorn prick.  Almost like wearing a very scratchy wool sweater on a very hot day.  It’s hard for me to deal with this 24/7.  She also said that I’m probably coming down from the vicodin and that is very stressful and emotional.  I might be getting more Vicodin and maybe Xanax to get through the whole ordeal.  Drugs, drugs, drugs.  It sounds so awful as I read this, but it is what it is.

What I really want to mention more than anything is that I feel, FEEL for anyone who has an addiction to these meds.  The past 3 days have been very depressing for me and I had my first bout with suicidal thinking last night.  It was very strange and, now that I have distance from that moment, quite surreal.  I was working late last night and messed up on a project so I decided to go to bed.  I started crying next to a sleeping Fish.  I started thinking about all that is going on, life in general.  The kids starting school, our car breaking down, my work load, money, etc.  I became so overwhelmed that my next logical insane thought was, “OH!!!  If I’m dead, then I don’t have to worry about any of this AND if I’m dead nobody else will worry, because I’M the only one worrying.”  I even thought how good it would be for Fish and the kids to be without me.  How relieved they would be to have me gone.  SERIOUSLY.  I never thought of how to do it or had any intentions of going through the motions.

Since I had a chance to talk to the nurse today I feel so much better.  All these thoughts and physical feelings make so much more sense.  In fact, as I type, I’m in less discomfort.  The mind is an amazing thing and drugs are a big effing deal!

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4 thoughts on “Say Nope to Dope and Ugh to Drugs

  1. oh my. i haven’t been here in a while. i’m glad you had your surgery and i hope you are feeling better now. the mind is amazing! you just have to find your way to the light and happy places in it. i get lost in those dark places too and eventually i find my way out.

  2. Hi Carla,

    Thank you for the well wishes. It’s been a while since I’ve “seen” you! Good to hear from you again 🙂

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