Fat and Happy?

I have to decide if I want to be thinner and mostly miserable, or fat and happy?  This is more than just vanity because there is an underlying medical condition that I am up against.  A couple of months ago I decided to stop ignoring all of the symptoms of hypoglycemia and insulin resistance.  I went to the Reproductive Endocrinologist who had first diagnosed me with insulin resistance 5 years ago when I was dealing with infertility.  A thousand dollars and many blood tests later, he confirmed that I have insulin resistance and metabolic issues that result into hypoglycemic episodes in which I feel like  I’m going to pass out if I don’t eat every 2 hours.

He prescribed Metformin and I ran to the pharmacy to pick it up.  I’m not new to Met.  I took it before getting pregnant with Pixie.  Met turned out to be my miracle fertility drug, so I wasn’t on it for very long.  I do remember the side effects.  I experienced those again, but the nausea has been a lot stronger this time around and I’ve had some feelings of fatigue also.  Basically I feel like I’m in the first trimester of pregnancy, tired, queasy, blah.

The upside to Met, is weight loss and also my metabolic issues are being addressed.  I don’t crash after eating like I did before, BUT since I have the fatigue I don’t feel like I’m reaping that benefit.  My plateau of weight loss was broken when I started the Met and now I’m down a size in clothes.  I had already completely revamped my diet months ago, but I was plateauing because of the problems I was dealing with.  Unfortunately, the side effects were really bringing me down.  I didn’t feel like doing half the things I wanted to.  This was the beginning of summer vacation and it took everything in me to join the girls in the fun activities that I had planned for them.

At the beginning of this week I decided to stop taking the Met and see how I feel.  I felt like my old self again.  My energy was improving, I didn’t feel sick all the time.  I’m terrified of not losing any more weight, I’m more terrified of gaining the weight back.  I’m tired of the weight.  I hate how I look.  I don’t even consider it vanity, it’s just fact that the weight makes me unattractive. I cold go on and on about how much I hate how I look but that would be a whole other post that nobody wants to read.   I can’t take any more calories out of my diet without being unhealthy.  My goal has always been to change my habits to healthier eating, so I can power through any plateaus and not fall back.  I don’t believe in the lose weight quick through deprivation because I can’t sustain that forever.

SO, I don’t know what to do.  My fear of backsliding forced me to start taking my Met again today.  I feel so so.  If I want to lose weight on my own I’ll have to add a lot more hours of working out to my schedule, but I don’t know where to fit that in.  When I’m not being mom to the kids, I’m working on orders for my shop.  I’m miserably behind on that also.  I do incorporate the kids’ play into being active.  We walk over to the school in the evening and run around the field, play ball, those sorts of things.  So, Fat and Happy or Thinner (I’ll never be what I consider THIN) and Miserable?  What would  you choose?


11 thoughts on “Fat and Happy?

  1. That really sucks that the Metformin works for weight loss for you, but has such lousy side effects! Having just been through the first trimester of pregnancy, I cannot imagine voluntarily taking medication that makes me feel that way all the time and not even getting a baby out of it. Ugh.

    Throughout my life, I have pretty consistently chosen Happy and Whatever Size My Body Currently Happens To Be. 🙂 I’ve done Weight Watchers a couple of times in the past, and that has been all right and I’ve lost weight, but then I get sick of counting points or I get lazy and stop working out and I gain some weight back. I’ve never ever done WW long enough to reach my “goal” because I just get bored with it, or we move and I spend a month on the road and am too distracted by other things to keep up with it.

    Even when I’m not happy with my weight, though, I refuse to spend time hating myself for it. I think I’m weird in that way, that I’m one of the few women my age in this country who doesn’t have some kind of body issues, even when I’m overweight. And although I might cut back on cupcakes and add more veggies to my diet, I refuse to cut sugar or fat completely out of my diet because I love them both.

    Another weird thing about me is that I hate talking about weight and weight loss. I don’t mind listening to other people talk about it–not at all!–but I hate talking about my own weight or diet or workouts. I’m not sure why, but I guess it’s a bit of a privacy thing for me. Like I said, weird. 🙂

  2. Dude – just ditto to all that Bethany just said.

    How about just healthy and happy 🙂

    I’m a little bummed with how I look too and want to just concentrate on being healthier – eating better and exercising more – instead of the diet. Diets are hated for a reason. And I don’t think they work.

  3. I try to get to that place of being happy with what I am, but then I see myself in the mirror and it all goes to hell. I just can’t accept it. Unfortunately, my only answer is to take time away from being with my family and working out like a mofo. I don’t know how I feel about that. I know a lot of people do it and find great pleasure in it, I just don’t know if I’m in that frame of mind.

    I wish I had more of a say about my sugar intake, but being borderline diabetic, I really need to be careful. I have learned how to stop the carb addiction though, thank goodness! I would be a basket case if I was still dealing with those cravings.

    I AM making a conscious effort to put up or shut up though. I hate when people ask for advice and then blow it off or make excuses. I’m done with the excuses and need to take more responsibility. I just need to figure out where that lands me.

  4. Oh I love healthy and happy 🙂 Unfortunately, without the Met I can’t be “healthy”. My body is working against me without it. I am definitely eating better than I ever had and I was a lot more active before these meds kicked my butt.

    I’m already 2 doses in for the day (you take one with breakfast, lunch, dinner) and I think that I’m going to have to do this without the medicine. I’m feeling horrible again.

  5. I think it’s insanely difficult to eat a “healthy diet” because so much of the recommendations we get is based on pseudo-science. Research into what’s “healthy” is being done in labs that are sponsored by the food industry, which wants you to buy and eat processed crap food because it makes them a ton of money.
    I’m currently reading “Nourishing Traditions” and it’s been a real eye-opener. It talks about fats and carbohydrates and how so much of what we believe to be healthy (e.g. frying with canola oil) is actually unhealthy. I’d recommend that – it’s a fascinating read and might give you more insight into what to eat.
    I also really liked “The Omnivore’s Dilemma.”

  6. I think you are definitely on to something! I don’t eat the modern “healthy” foods that are processed. My version of healthy is basic fruits and vegetables with lean meats and grains.

    I’ll definitely look into that book! So far I have ended the carb addiction cycle through reading the Insulin Resistant Diet.

  7. Girrrrl, you’re preaching to the choir here. I hate running into pictures of me just a couple of years ago when I was skinny (though I didn’t think so then) and remembering how easy it was for me to “drop a few pounds.” I have no idea what happened to me. The doctors haven’t a clue. I just know I can’t lose weight like I used to. I just keep gaining. And you know how much I exercise. I food journal off and on and all it shows me is that I don’t eat that bad. Like, AT ALL. But somehow my body is hanging on to this weight. So like you I wonder if I should just be happy with my body as it is no matter HOW it is. Just a shell anyway, right? I think the most beautiful people are those who are HAPPY and glow from the inside out no matter what their size. I’m trying to learn how to channel that now because I’ve had a life-long battle with body image and I’m tired of all the self-hate.

  8. Ooh, I might have to look for those two books Sonja mentioned! And yeah, I totally agree with your version of healthy eating, Madge. As many unprocessed fruits and veggies as you can get, lean meats and whole grains. And don’t forget the good fats! Your body needs those too. 🙂

  9. Firstly, how are you not on my blogroll? WTF?

    Secondly, I was just gonna say what Sonja said. LOL

    I haven’t wanted to blog about it or mention it at all yet in case it hears me and gets scared, but I’ve actually finally been losing weight. In my case, I really believe the key was gluten (more to that story, but I’ll be brief here). I’ve been slowly eating more Nourishing Traditions type food and that combined with joining the CSA (and possibly also the gluten being fully out of my system) have me feeling SO GOOD lately. Strong and happy. NT is about lower sugar (or at the very least less-refined sugar) but it’s a fairly high-fat diet (and when I say “diet” I mean what you eat as a whole, not some sort of weight-loss plan). Here’s a menu mailer I’ve been using that I am very happy with:

    I’m also on a couple of NT-type e-mail lists and I’ve heard people with insulin issues sharing their experiences there. They have figured out which foods cause them to feel yucky and which promote healthy blood sugars. I want to get myself a blood meter since both my parents are diabetic, so I can learn this for my own body.

    But, lady, you are BEAUTIFUL. Truly. And I am incapable of lying and would never do so just to be nice. You are beautiful. Personally, I believe we should all work on loving ourselves no matter our shape or size. Because you deserve to love yourself.

  10. I know that you know what I know 🙂 I really have been working very hard at loving where I’m at and for the most part I am. So she says after making an appointment with a plastic surgeon. I promise that move has nothing to do with this issue as a whole and it’s to be a lot more comfortable at the end of the day, without a bra on 😛

  11. Thank you so much for the resource in perfecting my “diet”. I hate to use that word because I really don’t mean any sort of change in eating with the express intent to lose weight.

    I have definitely changed what we eat for the better. I do know that high fructose corn syrup makes me really sick, if it happens to get into a meal, I’m immediately down and out for a good hour or so. I’ll see how your menu compares to my Insulin Resistant diet.

    ALSO, I have noticed that if I stick to my meal plan much better I don’t get sick like I did before when taking the Metformin. I think maybe writing it all out and then evaluating what I was doing was a great learning step for me.

    You are so sweet with your affirmations. I am definitely my own worst critic.

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