I’ve been feeling a little blue. It comes and goes throughout the day. I mostly don’t notice it until I’m alone for a few minutes and I have time to think. There is always so much to do around here that those feelings can be stifled for pretty long periods of time.
When I was in my 20’s I had days where I just wanted to cry and cry. I vividly remember listening to Dr. Dean Edel on the radio on a regular basis. He always had such an upbeat personality and was so kind to every body who called his show. I would think, “I wonder how he can be so happy? I wish I was.” If I was having a particularly bad evening I would watch I Love Lucy. This was back in the day with no DVR, just a bunch of VHS tapes that I copied shows onto and labeled “My Happy Show”. I watched those tapes a lot.
I kept a lot of my feelings at bay by going out a lot. If anyone was going anywhere I was going to be there. It helped that I worked at a place with a lot of people my age always busy doing something. I couldn’t think of anything worse than to be at home and listen to the thoughts in my head or feel the lump in my throat or the pain in my heart. I had a really good friend suggest a therapist, I called but then canceled the appointment.
I haven’t ever felt that bad again but I have nights like tonight where I just feel sad. I can’t pinpoint why. I do notice that I think a lot about the past, good stuff, and it just makes me miss those times. I’m not sure how to get through these feelings. I know that once Fish and I became parents there were a lot of things that we had to deal with and get through that were less than pleasant. It was all such a rollercoaster. I do notice that when we find time to go out and have time alone, our conversation leans towards recollecting the days that I had to take Clarabelle to physical therapy, or we had to take her to get her head cast for a helmet, or her ankles cast for braces. We think back and laugh at how scared we were. Then there was the 2 years of infertility. That was kind of difficult (understatement!) I don’t know if we should address it in a different way? Decompress in some way? Who knows?
I did try to drink some of the blues away but that made me sick and gave me a headache. Maybe I should find those old I Love Lucy tapes…