Light Blue

I’ve been feeling a little blue.  It comes and goes throughout the day.  I mostly don’t notice it until I’m alone for a few minutes and I have time to think.  There is always so much to do around here that those feelings can be stifled for pretty long periods of time.

When I was in my 20’s I had days where I just wanted to cry and cry.  I vividly remember listening to Dr. Dean Edel on the radio on a regular basis.  He always had such an upbeat personality and was so kind to every body who called his show.  I would think, “I wonder how he can be so happy?  I wish I was.”  If I was having a particularly bad evening I would watch I Love Lucy.  This was back in the day with no DVR, just a bunch of VHS tapes that I copied shows onto and labeled “My Happy Show”.  I watched those tapes a lot.

I kept a lot of my feelings at bay by going out a lot.  If anyone was going anywhere I was going to be there.  It helped that I worked at a place with a lot of people my age always busy doing something.  I couldn’t think of anything worse than to be at home and listen to the thoughts in my head or feel the lump in my throat or the pain in my heart.  I had a really good friend suggest a therapist, I called but then canceled the appointment.

I haven’t ever felt that bad again but I have nights like tonight where I just feel sad.  I can’t pinpoint why.  I do notice that I think a lot about the past, good stuff, and it just makes me miss those times.  I’m not sure how to get through these feelings.  I know that once Fish and I became parents there were a lot of things that we had to deal with and get through that were less than pleasant.  It was all such a rollercoaster.  I do notice that when we find time to go out and have time alone, our conversation leans towards recollecting the days that I had to take Clarabelle to physical therapy, or we had to take her to get her head cast for a helmet, or her ankles cast for braces.  We think back and laugh at how scared we were.  Then there was the 2 years of infertility.  That was kind of difficult (understatement!)  I don’t know if we should address it in a different way?  Decompress in some way?  Who knows?

I did try to drink some of the blues away but that made me sick and gave me a headache.  Maybe I should find those old I Love Lucy tapes…

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2 thoughts on “Light Blue

  1. :::hugs::: This sounds a little like post-traumatic stress. Just a little. Maybe talking to somebody would help you process these feelings and find ways to circumvent the “light blues” (LOVE THAT!). Parenthood is emotionally exhausting in the best of times, at the worst of times it can be crushing. You know, I’ve been there. I think everyone could benefit from a little therapy now and again. We regularly maintain our cars but we don’t maintain our minds which is really backwards, don’t you think?

  2. I wish I knew what to say. I’m no good at blue moods. When I have them I always wish I could lock myself in a hotel until they pass… but I’m the lucky sort who does always bounce back. I’m good at distraction though. If you ever need to run away and be distracted call me!

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