I was kind of tired last night and didn’t feel like going into the particulars of Clarabelle’s appointment yesterday.  I decided to share some our visit here.  Maybe there is someone else out there with our same situation who could find help with this information.

Around Clarabelle’s birthday, in March, we had another follow up visit with the doctor.  Clarabelle’s progression seemed to be improving and there were talks of weaning her off of Zoloft in the Fall.  In the past few weeks some old habits were beginning to crop up again.  OCD and anxiety issues.  I brought these concerns up yesterday and the doctor now has ditched the idea of weaning altogether.  She said that there will be peaks and dips but if we’re peaking again now, we may as well address it with medicine until Clarabelle has the maturity to work though these issues on her own.

OCD is a bitch.  Clarabelle has started to obsess over certain things throughout the day again.  It came on rather slowly but has been painfully obvious in the past week or so.  I had mentioned to Clarabelle that Fish and I will be taking a trip next week.  I told her that before we leave I would get her and her sisters a small gift that they could keep to remind them of Fish and I while we’re gone.  So as not to miss us.  Clarabelle has asked about this gift every 10 minutes (not exaggerating) for days.

“Mama?  What kind of a gift are you getting??

“Is it big or small?”

“Is the gift soft?”

“When are you getting the gift?”

“What color will it be?”

“I want a small goat toy”

“No, no, not a goat…”

It’s been so difficult to deal with.  I start to get mad but I realize she cannot help herself.  The doctor even shared with me similar examples that she has dealt with and her words and stories match exactly to our situation.  The tool she gave me to use is to sit Clarabelle down and tell her one time that I will be getting her a gift and she cannot ask me about it anymore.  If she brings it up I need to tell her that I’m sorry, but I cannot have that conversation with her.  She needs to find something else to do or she can even talk to herself about it.

The doctor also upped Clarabelle’s meds.  I saw that coming a mile away.

So there we are.  I feel like we are almost back at square one.  I can’t really say that though.  Square one was a very dark and scary place that I don’t let myself think about.  Square one was hell for the whole family.  It was angry, sad and defeated.  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my child.

My greatest fear at this point is that Clarabelle will never know what it is like to have true inner peace.  There are times that I look at her, when she’s pushed me to my limit, and I see such a lost little girl.  Someone who hates the situation at hand just as much as I do, but just can’t get to the other side.

Now I am hoping for patience.  I need it so very much.  I fear that if I don’t handle these situations with grace that I will add to her struggle.  Patience is what I crave.


3 thoughts on “Repeat

  1. (((HUGS))) I can understand a little bit, as we have a child with issues as well, though not the exact same ones. It’s rough, so rough. I believe one day she will be off the meds, and she will be normal, but it may not be everyone’s idea of “normal”. But it’s rough, and I understand that part of it all too well, which why I can only say you can talk to me anytime. And always, a hug. Hang in there honey!

  2. :::hugs::: You know I understand. You’re so lovely and so on top of her situation, I have no doubt she will get through this and will be better for it. It’s hard when it’s you and your child has “real” (tangible) issues but the truth of the matter is that ALL parenthood is a series of peaks and valleys. This is one tough undertaking, friend! Yet you do it so well with love and compassion, intelligence and humor. Hang in, sweetie.

  3. I wish I could drive on over and give you a hug! I can only imagine how hard this must be on you. Clarabelle is very lucky to have such a loving and caring parents. You are a wonderful Mum….and I pray Clarabelle will find her way to the other side.

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